(Sorry, my mind is elsewhere today...)
Solitude is way over rated…Palm Springs California, Feb 13, 2011…4:00am
It's nearly impossible to fall asleep with a heavy heart. A restless spirit is only shushed by exhaustion. I'm learning that you cannot run or hide from yourself. That must be what Christian scripture means when it says that there is no hiding from God. I tried distracting myself by taking my journal on the road but found myself alone with my thoughts in a crowded Starbucks. I tried swimming until I was weak enough to drown in the shallow end of the pool. That didn't work. I tried walking around a busy mall but every face I saw was my own. I'm learning that when God is working on changing you he's about as subtle as a freight train, once he starts the process there's no stopping it. The little bear I was allowed me take with me reminds me love is unconditional and unbreakable no matter how hard we test it. Love never fails us, we fail to love.
As I write this, the little rainbow bear and I are sitting outside and waiting for the sun to come up. I wonder why people, me included, are so enamored with the sunset; a time that signals the end of each day, a time for reflection. I wonder why it is we rush into every new day, and miss the beauty of the dawn and the promise of hope that comes with it. Am I wondering too much? Probably, but that's the mood I put myself in. It matches the situation I put myself in, myself, as well as the people that I love most in the world. If God is the engine on this train of change then they are the caboose. They encourage me to keep going forward, to get us where we need to be, and remind me that they are always behind me, even if I can't see that far back.
These are hard lessons I'm learning and God is a tough master. But like any great artist will tell you when creating a masterpiece, it isn't what you place on the canvas but what you take away that defines the work and gives it meaning. As a genuine work in progress I can tell you without fear of contradiction that the process is a bitch! And I will admit I have had many opportunities in my life to do this right. Ashamedly, I ran away from each one of them, actually, I ran away from myself. Until now only selfishness ruled my actions. Nothing in life was more important than me. Until now nothing that I lost from my actions couldn't be replaced or forgotten. That changed with the love of my life.
Sadly, I didn't recognize it soon enough, but gratefully the loss of that love began the chain reaction my salvation required. And so the evolution begins, and I transition from sunset to sunrise, letting God work in my life at last. I suppose I should thank you honey, I should thank each one of you...T-K-K-L